My Quest For The Perfect Joan Dress

My Perfect Joan Dress Must Have:

* the 1960s Mad Men sexy secretary look

* an hourglass shape with nipped in waist and pencil skirt to the knee

* no cleavage (Joan rarely shows hers and I am so tired of the constant surveillance required to make sure my boobs aren’t busting out of my latest retro frock)

* some form of sleeves to cover my super hot bingo wings

* a strong jewel tone reflecting Joan’s gorgeous colour palette

Where can I find one of those?

The Answer: Heart My Closet

I heart this website. This is not a sponsored post. They are just awesome. They make copies of vintage dresses, including the costumes worn on Mad Men. Everything’s made to order so you can create your own tailor-made fantasy Joan dress.

Although the exact replicas look incredible, I was after something that had Joan’s oomph but didn’t make people think I was on my way to a fancy dress party. That happen’s enough already. I wasn’t aiming to look like a copycat. I wanted to work Joan’s style my way.

You can either opt for standard US sizing or trust the seamstress with your vital statistics. I went for custom fit. I’ve never had a dress made before, even though I’ve wept on many a changing room floor and burst several seams, so this was a whole new fashion adventure.

The design I chose was actually based on a dress Jane is wearing the first time we see her.

It looks completely different on me as I’m approximately twice her circumference. Just in case people were still getting us mixed up, I changed the colour, sleeves and belt. To ensure the super-fitted Joan silhouette, I shaved two inches off my dimensions before handing them over. I’m very glad I did because if my dress had any more fabric it would make me look elephantine.

I am so thrilled with this dress. Despite it being custom made and international shipping, I only had to wait about a week for it to arrive. I love that it’s sexy without showing too much skin and the bright fuschia colour is the perfect antidote to all the drab weather we’ve been having.

I feel so confident in my new Joan dress, I believe I can fly.

The Downsides Of Dressing Vintage

Dress from Stop Staring, cardigan from Untold at House Of Fraser

Much as I love my retro wardrobe, there are some problems with dressing vintage.

1. With all the tight-fitting clothes and foundation garments to keep you bulge-free, it can be difficult to move.

2. Or pee.

3. Or breathe. Marilyn Monroe probably only spoke in a baby voice because her dress was too tight to properly respire.

4. You can’t run for the bus in your heels. Is this why glamorous women are so often late? Glamorous women don’t take the bus, you say? Me and my Oyster card beg to differ. And anyway, you can’t run for a taxi either. Or drive. Have you tried changing gears in stilettos?

5. It’s expensive. Especially since vintage became all the rage. It’s no longer thrifty to shop at a thrift store. Which makes me sad. And poor.

6. It’s a faff. The details of the vintage look are part of its charm. But keeping your seams straight and your eyeliner flicks symmetrical requires constant checks in the mirror. We vintage girls aren’t vain, we’re just complicated.

7. It’s a sad fact that many of the world’s prettiest dresses stink. Vintage clothes had a life before they met you. A lot of them have been around longer than you and may never have taken a bath.

8. Vintage clothes are fragile. It’s not a good look when your new-old ensemble starts to fall apart. While you’re wearing it.

9. Some people might assume that because you’re a fan of mid-century fashion you’re also a fan of mid-century sexism. Are you serious? The only thing I want oppressed is my waistline.

10. You can’t walk in a pencil skirt. You have to wiggle. You can’t sit. You perch. And one thing you definitely can’t do… is breathe out.

What To Wear To Compere

Dress from Stop Staring, brooch from a vintage shop

Working as an MC gives me an excuse to get my gladrags on. Not that I need one. I get dressed up on a daily basis because it gives me confidence and pleasure. I’ve tried wearing jeans but that just makes me depressed. Plus being perpetually overdressed means you’re always prepared for a last minute invite to someplace fabulous. Your day is packed with glamorous potential.

Back to the important thing, the dress. It’s another Stop Staring number. Yes, I have an obsession.

I think carefully when I’m choosing what to wear to host a night. It has to be something to make me stand out in a theatre full of people. I usually go for either a bright colour or an eye catching design. The details on this dress are what make it special – the ladylike peplum and the adorable bow belt. The colour is deep and majestic and I love the rich purple against the flashy red backdrop. It’s an empowering shade that gives me enough authority to command the audience’s attention. The dress is called The Enchantress.

Ode To The Pencil Skirt

Velvet pencil skirt and cardigan from Wheels & Dollbaby, bag from Boohoo

 

You’re sexy but you’re not a sleaze,

You cover up my chubby knees,

You take my wobbly waist and giant ass,

And turn me into an hourglass,

Loved by Marilyn, Joan and Dita,

You give me confidence even though I’m a compulsive eater,

So thanks for being my go-to item,

In a mini skirt I’d surely fright ’em.

 

Happy National Poetry Day!

My New Favourite Party Dress

Dress from Stop Staring, shoes from Primark, vintage earrings from Ebay, handbag from a vintage shop in Sydney

Rain be damned. I was off to celebrate my friend’s birthday at Floripa, a Brazilian club in Shoreditch. I wasn’t going to let the downpour dampen my mood. In defiance of the temperature and persistent precipitation, I wore the brightest, most carnivalesque dress I could.

This is last season’s Watercolour Dress by my favourite vintage reproduction brand, Stop Staring. I’m addicted to the hourglass silhouettes created by Stop Staring designer, Alicia Estrada. But her line is expensive so I regularly trawl Ebay and Google, scouring the internet for bombshell bargains.

I’m a big fan of wearing vibrant colours on a night out. It puts me in a much better mood than an LBD and this dress definitely made me feel ready for a fiesta. I sank multiple caiprinhas and danced my sizeable ass off.

Despite getting the wrong night bus home and having to walk for an hour in heels, I had a blast.

Mad About Joan

I have Mad Men Fever. Seriously. I’m sweating ginger beehives and hallucinating subtext.

The new series premieres 7^th April and I cannot wait to see what Joan is wearing. I appreciate the plot twists, the mutli-layered characters and the intricate fictional world created by the show’s producer, Matthew Weiner. But for me the artist who matters most is costume designer Janie Bryant and the star of the show is Joan’s wardrobe.

Are you a Joan? Or a Betty? Maybe you’re a Megan. No-one ever admits they’re a Peggy though, do they? And all men think they’re the Don.

I’m a Joan. So’s Marilyn. It’s great being a Joan. You can have a second helping of dessert and still feel sexy. Thank God for Christina Hendricks, for once a lead actress in a TV drama who doesn’t look like she survives on lettuce leaves and other women’s envy.

“Is there any cake left?”

People tell me I remind them of Joan, normally when they’re drunk. We don’t actually look anything like each other apart from our vital statistics and penchant for pencil skirts. I don’t point that out though. I just give them my best Joan smile and sashay off.

The Vintage Emporium

Or, tea and cake with a side of penis.

I went to Brick Lane’s Vintage Emporium for the first time this week. I thought it looked like a cute, baby pink sort of place to have a hot chocolate and a girly chinwag.

Inside it was cosy and smelled of incense. There was a vintage clothes shop downstairs and a resident dog who wagged his way through the patrons. We scoffed a delicious slice of lemon cake and admired the mismatched furniture and ornamental pram.

We’d seen online that there was a life drawing class scheduled that evening and we imagined that at 7pm everyone would just start sketching the pram. We later realised we had made a classic mistake and got life drawing confused with still life.

Any misunderstanding was soon cleared up when a naked man took stance in the centre of the room. Ill prepared with no sketch pads or pencils to hide behind, we found ourselves in the tricky position of just staring at the naked man as he struck a variety of poses – the Adonis, the Jesus and the One Leg Up On A Chair.

I began to sneeze. I wasn’t sure if I was allergic to the dog or the cock.

But despite the surprise nudity, it was a really lovely place and I’d definitely visit again. I especially recommend it to people who find that shopping makes them want to sit down.

If you’re keen to see or draw a naked person, head there on Tuesday or Saturday. And take a sketchpad or things might get awkward.

Trashy Diva In The Rain

Skirt from Trashy Diva, cardigan and belt from Wheels & Dollbaby, bag from Boohoo,  coat from Miss Selfridge, umbrella from Cath Kidston, shoes from Dorothy Perkins

The clouds are crying but I’m not (for once). I have a meeting about some writing work and a new pencil skirt from Trashy Diva.

So many of my favourite online shops have fabulous tart-with-a-heart names. When people ask where my clothes are from it’s thrilling to be able to reply “Glamour Bunny” or “Stop Staring.” I find it provokes much more of a reaction than “…Topshop”.

I’m not very sensible when it comes to dressing for the rain. I’m an emotional rather than practical shopper. I buy things because I fall in love with them and I just never seem to feel that chemistry with big winter coats and waterproof shoes. So yes, in this picture I’m freezing and my toes are damp. But that’s OK, I’m trashy like that.