What To Wear To Meet The Queen

Dress from Vivien of Holloway, shoes from Aldo, handbag from Primark

 

This week I had a royal event to attend, the 60th anniversary of the conquest of Everest. My supercool grandad was a mountaineer on the triumphant 1953 expedition, meaning my grandmother was invited. As her favourite (and only) granddaughter, she asked me to accompany her.

It’s not often I hang with the Windsors. My first thought wasn’t, “Ooh, how exciting!” or even, “How do you curtsey again?” It was, “What the heck am I going to wear?”

Then I got distracted by something shiny and forgot to buy a new dress.

The weekend before, I was in a tizz. I tried on everything I owned in my head and rejected it all for being too slutty for Her Maj. I had no desire to go down in history as the young woman whose cavernous cleavage gave the monarch a heart attack.

Thank bombshell, it was the Vivien of Holloway bank holiday sale. I’m not usually a sale shopper. I don’t find stressful crowds conducive to making well-thought-out purchases. But this was a wardrobe emergency.

I arrived at 10.05am on Saturday morning and the shop was already packed with fabulously attired bargain hunters. Thankfully I found this floral Jezebel in my size and escaped before I drowned in a sea of red lipstick and victory rolls.

It’s a classic 1950s wiggle dress in an English rose print. Both of these factors were nods to Lizzy, who has reigned since my favourite fashion decade. I’m not sure if she noticed.

My favourite things about the dress are the nipped in waist and the modest neckline. A frock that shows off my waist but not my comedy cleavage is my fashion happy place.

I can report that the event went excellently. The queen was very good at smiling and making small talk and she looked suitably regal in her purple brocade suit.

How To Dress For Success

Concerned about your appearance? Always.

Worried your friends think of you as “a cube”? Terrified.

Fear not. Read Edith Head’s 1963 style manual, ‘How To Dress For Success’ instead.

Edith Head was a very successful woman. She was the world’s most famous and prolific costume designer and won eight Academy Awards dressing Hollywood icons like Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Elizabeth Taylor.

As if that didn’t make her cool enough, she was also the inspiration for Edna Mode in The Incredibles.

I couldn’t wait to read her wisdom and discover how I could become more successful at dressing and at life.

One of her main tips is to assess your figure’s strengths and weaknesses. “Simply put a bag over your head with eyeholes cut out and look at yourself in the mirror.” We were off to a frightening start. Like most women, I look better with a face.

After I’d wept for a while about my physical shortcomings and taken off the tear-sodden paper bag, I carried on reading.

Here are some of the lessons I learned:

1. It is always fashionable to look your best.

2. When accessorising, use a colour accent no more than twice to avoid looking overdone.

3. A glamorous pair of hostess pyjamas is essential for entertaining at home.

My favourite chapter was entitled ‘How To Build A Successful Wardrobe’.

Edith suggests you create a blueprint of all the activities that fill your days (work, evenings out, going “to market”) and analyse how much time you spend doing each. You must then go through your clothes to find suitable outfits for every activity, noting what you’re lacking and what you have that’s superfluous. Through careful investigation I concluded my time is mostly spent “dancing around in my bedroom to Paloma Faith” and “lying on my ass in bed”. This requires a lot of fabulous party dresses and vintage kimonos.

As well as fashion guidance, Edith’s book offers dating tips.

Are you a single, heterosexual woman struggling to find a husband? Of course you are, this is 1963. To all you mid-century Bridget Jones types, Edith recommends you hotfoot it down to a lawyer/doctor/rich man convention to meet an eligible bachelor and impress him with your unique brand of crazy. Didn’t meet Mr Perfect? Fancy a break to cheer yourself up? Well for goodness sake don’t waste your holidays on holiday. Instead purchase multiple plane tickets so you can travel back and forth between destinations frequented by dashing businessmen. Your suitor/victim will be trapped with you on the plane ride and unable to resist your impeccably attired stench of success/desperation.

Other than these hair-brained strategies, it seems the main trick to attracting a man is pretending to be interested in everything he says and never letting him catch you in your rollers.

Disappointingly, although Edith herself was a famous lesbian, there’s no chapter on how to dress to attract a woman.

I still loved the book though. Not only was it a hilarious (and sometimes frightening) history lesson. It was also a fascinating insight into the principles used to create some of Hollywood’s most incredible fashion moments.

The Downsides Of Dressing Vintage Part II: Why I Do It Anyway

1950s movie star Gina Lollobrigida loved her vintage clothes so much she liked to stroke them with her foot.

 

I’ve already moaned about the drawbacks of wearing other people’s old clothes. Here are the reasons I bloody love it.

1. It’s glamorous. Full on not understated. When you wear vintage, every day is a special occasion.

2. It suits me. Put me in skinny jeans, trainers and a slouchy T-shirt and you will see a grown woman cry.

3. You don’t have to be a slave to trends. I’ll still be wearing this stuff in forty years, looking like a slightly slutty granny. Therefore every piece I buy is an investment, or at least that’s how I justify my latest bout of overspending.

4. Vintage clothes remind me of my favourite old Hollywood movie stars, like Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor, as well as my favourite modern day style icons, like Joan Holloway-Harris and Dita von Gorgeous.

5. It’s unique. You don’t have to worry about a dressmare (arriving at a party to discover a fellow reveller is wearing your outfit). You can stand out because you have the whole of fashion history to pick your greatest hits from.

6. Everything in my wardrobe is there because it triggered an emotional reaction in me. High street clothes are less likely to make me gasp.

7. Every day getting dressed is like being a little girl, raiding her mother’s wardrobe for all the really good, sparkly things. Vintage shopping as an adult gives me childlike joy.

8. I love vintage shops, even though they smell. I especially love the really great ones that feel like Caves of Wonders or Museums of Fabulosity.

9. One word. Three syllables. Quality.

10. I’ve always sought a signature style which embodies my personality. For me, wearing vintage glamour is self-actualisation. Through shopping.

A Floral Pencil Skirt For Spring

Pencil skirt from BHS, cardigan from Krisp, bag by Lulu Guinness via Ebay, shoes from Aldo, jewellery from Accessorize

This is a typical daytime outfit for me. I think a floral pencil skirt is cheerful for spring and perfect for a dose of daytime glamour. Here are some I’ve found and fallen for.

Damsel in a Dress, Pinup Couture, Vintage, Joy

I usually wear my pencil skirts with cardigans. Like the 1950s sweater girls, I prefer my knitwear tight-fitting. The problem is that cardis gape, especially when faced with the challenge of a great big pair of boobs. I’ve sewn this one shut between the buttons to reduce the risk of accidental flashing.

This was the first outing for my new bag. I’ve been lusting after this Lulu Guinness handbag for some time and I was overjoyed to find one on bargain-bay for a fraction of the usual extortinate price. I love that it’s roomy enough to hold all the essential junk I cart around but it’s shaped like a chic 1940s purse. The clasp symbolises my love of red lipstick.

Why I Love Massive Pants (It’s Not Just Because I Have A Massive Arse)

I used to have a lingerie drawer full of minxy little puffs of lace and hipster briefs. I was seduced by the sugary colours and the posters of size 6 models looking all relaxed and angular in their skimpy knicknacks. Sadly, when I attempted to pull any of these slithers of fabric over my Rubenesque thighs, I looked rather less modelly and rather more terrifying. And lumpy. If you have the confidence to wear a g-string bikini to the beach, I applaud you and your bronzed bum cheeks. But the bigger my undies are, the sexier I feel.

Like low slung jeans, hipster briefs encourage two wonders of the modern world – builder’s bum and muffin top. They push all your wobbles out for public display. Far more flattering, comfortable and secure is a nice big pair of knickers.

Here are some on my wish list.

leopard, monochrome, dots, latte, pink on black, lilac, spots, navy, red

In addition to the comfort factor and the smoother silhouette, glamorous granny pants give you a vintagey “step into my boudoir” look.

If you want to go the whole shebang, head to What Katie Did and stock up on authentic reproduction pieces. Girdles and garter belts complete the vixen effect and bullet bras make your bosom delightfully pointy.

Hello Dollface!

Dress by Stop Staring via Ebay, wedges from New Look, handbag from Primark, jewellery from Accessorize

Like everyone else in London, I was thrilled about the bank holiday heatwave. It provided some very welcome tanning time and helped me towards my dream of being as bronzed as Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra. I also wish I had her upper body strength.

Another reason I was excited was the unexpected opportunity to showcase my favourite vintage style summer dresses.

My frock’s called Dollface and I think it’s adorable. I have a wardrobe full of polka dots – they make me feel like a saucy Minnie Mouse. Along with stripes and old-fashioned florals, spots are an easy to wear print that instantly add vintage charm to your look.

Open-toe wedges are my shoe staple for hot weather. With cankles as sexy as mine, a bit of heel height is a must and these give me the required tilt but are still comfortable enough for summertime strolling. I’m always careful to find ones without ankle straps, which would chop my legs into chipolatas and make them look even stumpier and more hooflike than normal.

If you’re a fellow cankle-suffererer, firstly, I’m sorry – it’s hell, isn’t it? Secondly, here are a few pin-up-worthy wedges that should elongate your stems and downplay your sturdiness.

Left to right: Lands’ End, Lands’ End, LK Bennett, Pied a Terre, Dune