Italian Glamour At The V&A

Dress from The Pretty Dress Company, sunglasses from Deadly Is The Female, wedges from New Look, vintage handbag

Ciao bella!

So here’s my take on mid-century Mediterranean chic. I wore this outfit to the Italian Fashion exhibition at the V&A but I do wear it a lot, even when I’m not attending Italian themed events. It’s become a go-to because it’s so flattering, especially when I’ve had gelato for breakfast, pizza for brunch and feelings of shame and self-loathing for the rest of the day.

If you’re as obsessed with clothes as I am, get yourself down to the V&A pronto. The exhibition immerses you in the glamorous history of Italian fashion. Gaze in awe at the diva-esque cuts and get high on the fumes of metallic embroidery. There’s everything from World War II day suits and Italy’s influence on Hollywood costumes to next season’s Dolce & Gabbana.

Old Hollywood Glamour In Biba

Gown from Biba at House of Fraser, peeptoe satin shoes from Lotus at House of Fraser, faux fur stole from Collectif, headdress from eBay, earrings from River Island, vintage handbag

When House of Fraser generously invited me to pick a dress to review I was instinctively drawn to the full length Oscars gown. I’m no fool.

It’s a fabulous choice for curvy girls who don’t feel comfortable in figure-hugging outfits. The expertly draped fabric and Grecian wrapover style make it very flattering. It clings in all the right places and tactfully skims over the wrong ones, like a perfectly fitting glitzy toga. I love long dresses as much as I hate my legs, which is a lot. The slit keeps it sexy and aids the walking process.

My new frock makes me feel sexy and statuesque. My beautiful friend Lela observed that it makes me look a bit like the Statue of Liberty. This is great news. Look at all the attention that stone fox gets.

Metallic gowns like this one were very popular with the movie stars of yesteryear because they command attention by making you look shiny and special. Here are Ava, Frances and Rita getting their goddess on.

I wore my goddess gown to The Candlelight Club: A Night In Casablanca, a fabulous pop-up 1920s speakeasy cocktail party. I love vintage events. You never have to worry about being overdressed because everyone always makes such an effort. Cheers to that.

While I’m in the Oscar dress I would like to give a special thank you to my new satin peeptoe shoes because they made me very happy and let me Charleston with minimal joint pain. Ladies, I couldn’t have done it without you.

1920s Style For Curvy Girls

Dress by Stop Staring via eBay, faux fur stole from Collectif, headdress from eBay, earrings from River Island, shoes from Aldo

Dressing 1920s is a challenge when you’re all tits and ass. At the weekend I faced this challenge head on when I went to the Prohibition party.

The magpie in me can’t get enough of unadulterated Gatsbyfied glamour. But when I remember that this style highlights my hangups, I always feel too fat to flap. Drop waists make me look gargantuan, short skirts make my knees nervous and I’m terrified of fringing – my body shakes way too much when I walk already.

Tragically, I will never be a flat-chested, willowy coat-hanger; a thought which makes me crave a stretchy wiggle dress and a nice, comforting slice of cake.

Resisting the gateau despite its incessant winking at me, I turned to one of my favourite films instead. Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot demonstrates how to make the 1920s look work on a quintessentially 1950s figure.

“She’s like jell-o on springs!”

All her frocks are knee-length and glitzy. They show off her shape but in a more voluptuous, undulating way than her pointier pin-up styles. Inspired by Her Blondeness, I chose a sparkly dress that skims without sculpting. Although it’s not strictly speaking drop-waisted, the ruching at the hips gives a similar effect without wreaking havoc on my silhouette.

With the right accessories you can get away with a frock that’s not quite period perfect. Draped in imitation jewels and furs, I was ready to party like it was 1929 (before that whole stock market thing).

It turns out when I’m a flapper I love to pout…

I’m pretty demanding…

and I make sex faces while dancing….

So I’m exactly the same as always then.

Vintage At Volupté Lounge

Dress is vintage, handbag is vintage from Beyond Retro, corsage from Accessorize, shoes from Aldo

Last week my beautiful friend Lela and I went to Baby Grand Burlesque at London’s Volupté Lounge, a decadent cabaret bar which looks something like this.

We looked a lot like this.

After we’d finished staring at ourselves in the mirror we settled down to enjoy the show. As well as sassy songbirds and ladies talented in the art of the tassel twirl, there was a three-course meal to devour. I felt a bit rude tucking into my food while performers were baring their souls and other body parts for my entertainment. But then I suppose a basement dedicated solely to erotic striptease is quite rude already. I was probably just feeling extra ladylike because I was so colour coordinated.

A night at the burlesque is the perfect excuse to get all glammed up in your vintage finery. The ladies onstage wear bejewelled thongs and sequins on their nipples, so anything goes. It’s fun to give at least a nod to old fashioned glamour. I, of course, prefer to give a full on parade.

I wore an original 1950s Hawaiian wiggle dress, which is only one of my all time best vintage finds ever. This dress feels like it was made for me. The colours, the cut and the measurements are all absolutely perfect for my taste and figure. Continuing the whole mid-century luau vibe, I accessorised with a vintage bamboo box-bag and a corsage in exactly the same shade of fuchsia as the flowers on my frock.

We had a wonderful evening and thoroughly enjoyed the performances, the cocktails and the chance to get dressed up to the nines on a schoolnight.

If you enjoy seeing photos of me pouting and looking overdressed in public places, feel free to follow me on Instaglam.

The Vintage Emporium

Or, tea and cake with a side of penis.

I went to Brick Lane’s Vintage Emporium for the first time this week. I thought it looked like a cute, baby pink sort of place to have a hot chocolate and a girly chinwag.

Inside it was cosy and smelled of incense. There was a vintage clothes shop downstairs and a resident dog who wagged his way through the patrons. We scoffed a delicious slice of lemon cake and admired the mismatched furniture and ornamental pram.

We’d seen online that there was a life drawing class scheduled that evening and we imagined that at 7pm everyone would just start sketching the pram. We later realised we had made a classic mistake and got life drawing confused with still life.

Any misunderstanding was soon cleared up when a naked man took stance in the centre of the room. Ill prepared with no sketch pads or pencils to hide behind, we found ourselves in the tricky position of just staring at the naked man as he struck a variety of poses – the Adonis, the Jesus and the One Leg Up On A Chair.

I began to sneeze. I wasn’t sure if I was allergic to the dog or the cock.

But despite the surprise nudity, it was a really lovely place and I’d definitely visit again. I especially recommend it to people who find that shopping makes them want to sit down.

If you’re keen to see or draw a naked person, head there on Tuesday or Saturday. And take a sketchpad or things might get awkward.