The Lorelei Dress

Lorelei dress by Glamour Bunny (also available at Vintage Twists), handbag by Lulu Guinness via eBay, leopard shoes from Dotty P

I love the transformative power of clothing. In this outfit I feel like a Bond villainess, an egomaniacal fashion editor and an intergalactic femme fatale all at once. I think it’s the spiky cuffs and the cleavage you could suffocate someone with. I’m normally a very nice, smiley person but in this dress I am all about busting balls. If I was going to kill someone, this is what I’d wear. Wow, I can’t believe I said that. I am so sorry. I blame the dress. The sexy bitch.

It’s based on a costume worn by Marilyn in one of my very favourite films, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. But while Double M looks angelic, I look kind of evil. Gentlemen may prefer blondes but here’s hoping international crime syndicates prefer brunettes.

How To Dress Like Nigella

The other day a stranger shouted “Nigella” at me. I’m pretty sure he wanted cocaine. So you know, we hung out.

But since I was 14 and grew breasts people have told me I look like the domestic goddess. It’s a backhanded compliment being compared to a MILF when you’re a teenager. “I look hot for a woman in her forties? That’s nice. I wonder if it will help with my GCSEs.” It also made me worry about not being an expert chef. My best impression of Nigella in the kitchen involves licking a spoon provocatively while ordering a takeaway.

She does dress a bit like me though. She’s obviously a fan of the blog. Here are some tips for achieving her look.

1. Buttons are a faff – for the perfect fit, tape your clothes to your body.

2. Don’t feel pressured by society to wear a bikini.

3. A simple tray of cupcakes makes a fresh alternative to a handbag.

And here are some websites we keep bumping into each other on.

Diva Catwalk

Stop Staring

The Pretty Dress Company

The Collectif Ashley Coat Review

Ashley coat by Collectif, polka dot dress by Collectif, shoes from Dotty P, vintage handbag

You might notice I’m not pouting as much as usual. It’s not because I’ve realised that incessant pouting makes me look horribly vain. It’s because this coat fills me with so much joy I can’t help but smile. Or, as in the last picture, do an impression of a happy cat.

I’ve been in love with it since last winter, when it spurned my advances by being sold out everywhere. After a year lived in the worst kind of regret – regret over the missed purchase that would undoubtedly have changed the course of my life – I discovered Collectif were bringing it back and I was as giddy as a schoolgirl covered in kippers.

Finding a coat that doesn’t make me look massive is a challenge. Finding one that not only looks good but also insulates is nearly impossible. But the Ashley is perfect. The tie belt and V-neck are flattering while the thick wool-blend and faux fur trim keep you toasty.

More wonderful news is that the Ashley is currently half price on the website, which makes me strongly tempted to buy it in black and green too…

The Peekaboob Dress

The Sierra Dress by Bettie Page Clothing

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then this dress is the window to the boobs. Even I found my cleavage distracting and I get to see it whenever I’m bored.

It’s another Bettie Page number  and I went for a Medium again but when I tried it on it was too baggy round the middle. I like my clothes and my lovers to hold me tightly at the waist so I struck a bargain with a tailor (I would pay him to do his job) and had it taken in. If you have any clothes that look almost but not quite great, then get thee to a tailor.

The floral embroidery and demure length add a touch of 1940s femininity to counteract the wanton boob exposure, at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. And my granny.

Me In My Norma Jeans

Top from Collectif, cardigan from eBay, capri jeans by Bernie Dexter, shoes from Dorothy Perkins, bow necklace from Cath Kidston

As a badly dressed adolescent I loved jeans, Bewitched-style bejewelled ones in particular. Then I hit my twenties and I swear all the jeans got together and made a pact to destroy my self esteem. They refused to fit my body or my style so I told them to piss off and just wore dresses instead. I couldn’t take a life lived in fear of the muffin top.

Fast forward to 2014 and one of my new year’s resolutions is to spend more time in trousers (I’m tackling the really big issues in my life right now) so here I am in my 1950s style capri jeans.

Pin up model Bernie Dexter designed them to be as flattering and wearable as possible, after I can only assume she too had her heart broken by multiple denim bastards.

Why these jeans don’t make me cry

* The high-waist eliminates the whole muffin top/builder’s bum issue

* They are the perfect cigarette length, giving a vintage silhouette but cunningly concealing cankles

* The stretch in the fabric makes them form-fitting but not in a scary way like jeggings

* Yes, they make my arse look massive, but you know, it is – plus the media has been telling me for years that this is a good thing and I’ve strategically decided to believe them

* I’ve been wearing them with fitted tops and mid heels to stop myself freaking out at how god damn casual I look